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I am the problem!

censor yourself

Written by moi AKA Sister Selfish Prick!

I have always thought i had a wicked sense of humor. Cheeky, cynical  and sarcastic are acronyms often associated with my personality.  My ability to laugh at myself and others has served me well (maybe too well) over the years.  When i have encountered misinterpretations about my “dark sense of humor” i have always chalked it up to someone just not getting me! What i have come to understand is that is it is just not them not getting me, it’s me not understanding the gravity of my words. I pride myself on being a thoughtful person. A loyal friend who would go out of my way for anyone i care about. Because my family is so small and fragmented, perhaps i place more value on friendships-i see them more as an extended family. Somehow this awareness and appreciation i feel like i have for my friends has not translated into the words that come out of my mouth. My jokes are not always politically correct. I make fun of everyone-including my own culture. My humor is not meant to be taken seriously. I am fully aware that there is good and bad in all people of all background.  But two recent miscommunication really hit me hard. First, I managed to alienate an old friend who thought I that i believe  that she was marrying beneath herself because her fiancee is Nigerian. I don’t know exactly what i said  to hurt her, but I probably made some lame joke about credit card scams and Nigerians.  Secondly, I managed to alienate a total stranger online by cracking a joke about a certain south american country and drugs sigh… Just a note here, I am person who has studied latin american history extensively and traveled to central america so i am aware of the rich history and culture.  Initially, i didn’t give it a second thought when i first made these statements. In retrospect, I have come to realize how they could be offensive and hurtful. So … I have become what i detest most, a thoughtless person.  These are not the first or second times I have have alienated someone with my words, but i pray that these are the last. Who we are is not only what we feel in our hearts or what we do, but it also what we say. In both instances i did apologize. I feel pretty disgusted with myself.

Note to self: I practice more self awareness and true thoughtfulnessand adab as a believer should

P.S. If i haven’t offended you yet, I probably will. I appologize ahead of time!

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BAM!!!

I have exciting news, we have now been put into a new little box. Perhaps this one will even put us up one step on the social ladder.  I am a BAM- who knew! This term refers to Black American Muslim. This term has been all over the Internet recently.

http://muslimmatters.org/2008/05/27/the-scourge-of-internet-tribalism/

http://brnaeem.blogspot.com/2008/03/bam-immigrant-muslim-dilemma.html

http://www.racialicious.com/2008/05/12/intraracial-dating-women-vs-men-men-vs-women/

Every time i look at my hand i keep seeing the color brown so i am still trying to figure out where this black comes from.  Why can’t I just be an AM, an American Muslim or would i have to be Caucasian to qualify?  No other country plays the race card with such vigor like the uSA.  OK, I digress, back to my rant!  I feel incredibility alienated from Muslims in general. Although i have always been a very open and welcoming person, I will admit that my heart has harden considerably after experiencing and observing the pervasive racism that exist within this ummah. I have struggled to find my niche. You name it, I have experienced it:MSA, ISNA, Zaytuna,Al Maghrib,  Salafies and the Sufis. The vast majority of American Muslim institutions cater to a certain crowd. I don’t have to spell it out, but you get the picture!

Sometimes i regret ever saying those words that put in the position to have to deal with these people

 Isn’t that a horrible thing to say!

Anyway here is the most depressing response from the muslim matters post.

A certain brother said:

Hmmm…maybe the reason BAMs are so critical of IMMs are because they finally have a chance to look down on someone. Blacks are seen as being at the bottom and now all of a sudden these IMM fobs come over that are the butt of all the jokes.

So BAMs get a bit more identity by bashing on someone else, feel good, feel confident and justified about it?

In terms of BAMs and IMMs we all get used to a level of discrimination and so when this stuff comes up it seems really unusual for BAMs to get so antagonistic on their own brothers. I know for a fact that your classical Pakistani uncle will openly say, “Yes, we are negro!” because he sincerely believes he is. Hmmm?

I have to say this comment really shocked me.

Ok, back to work!

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Loving, hating, leaving and coming back to the Hijab

There is an interesting article published on Slate.com  entitled “Loving and Leaving the Head Scarf,” always an interesting topic of discussion for muslim women. There is also what I am sure will be an interesting discussion about the article on MuslimMatters.com

 

 

I have noticed this phenomenon of Muslim women taking off the hijab- at least in my community. You are definitely taken aback when  you see sisters who have worn it for years decide to take it off. If you ask Muslim women why they decided to cover or uncover, you will get varying responses.  

 

I knew a younger sister who started wearing it to annoy her parents. In the end, she took it off  or as she put it “decided to just take a break from religion.” One common response I often hear is that some sisters fear that they are perceived as being “too” religious when it comes to finding an eligible spouse.  

 

One common thread that I have noticed with the “take off  hijab syndrome” is a spiritual disconnection from Allah and a total disregard for the fact that it is a commandment.  

 

Even after wearing it for years, I continue to struggle with it. For me it has more to do with feeling of hypocrisy eating away at me.  I feel like i am living a dual life of sorts. One hand praying, covering and on the other hand making bad decisions and committing major sins.  It just does not add up!

 

I have given all the pep talks on how if you wait become a perfect Muslim to cover your never will or just because you are lacking in one aspect of your faith doesn’t mean you should neglect other aspects of it. If  your ultimate purpose of wearing isn’t to obey allah than it really isn’t a big deal.

 

I sometimes I think that one more year of  age equals one more year closer to getting to the age when I am past my child bearing years/age of marriage  and I can take it off and go unnoticed.  Anyone got a specific number or when that is??

 

So why do I keep it on? Perhaps I just fear Allah plain and simple (in a scared sh*tless sort of way) .

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